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Let this be lasting. [13 Oct 2008|01:00pm]
Once again, reading things i've written in the past has made me a little more aware of life in general. I came on here to brag really about the most amazing guy ever. It's still so new, and reading the entry from when I first started dating Eli reminded me that things don't last forever. But I think this time it's really going to prove well for the both of us (me and the new love interest). Everytime I have a little break through i like to write it out. Although things were so fun and so exciting when I first got together with Eli... it didn't last. It was fun, and that was it... but then it stopped being fun... everything became a question of fairness. When I objected to things that seemed selfish on his part... he just made me feel guilty about feeling under-appreciated... and he was REALLY good at it. When I finally pulled my head out of his ass I started to realise that there are certain things that I do and don't deserve. I definitely don't deserve to be treated like my opinion isn't important, and I certainly deserve to be showed that I am important... fuck em ... really... i'm so done with him. Shame on you, guys, if you aren't really emotionally attached to your girlfriend and your just keeping her around to get laid... fucking shame on you. Unfortunately, I was too blind to see that I was just merely the object to satisfy his carnal desires... I hope one day he can really care about someone for all the reasons that make them great - or make just someone who only cares about fucking and getting fucked up like he does. Guys just don't grow up as fast as girls... I guess it takes a long time (though sometimes it never happens) for them to realize selfishness has no place in a relationship. It was a hard realization for me when I knew he'd never change.

When I think about the circumstances... I just can't help but feel really and trully lucky. How is it that I almost denied my feelings for the guy that is practically made for me? If you would have asked me a month ago if I believed in love at first sight, I would have said no way... a relationship is about building trust and working to make each other better. I gave up on trust... and my relationship with Eli just was... and nothing more... it just existed. It was mudane... it was sooo empty. I lost faith in the idea of the monogonous relationship. I thought that I would never find someone that trully mattered... everyone I met was the same. Not much separated anyone above the crowd. It's just so interesting and amazing that our lives have connected in the way that they have... it's so strange to think that all along he's been living in my friend's house... all along he's been so close but so far... yet he came to me at the most perfect time. I had to get through all the shit and shitty people to really appreciate him. I'm really reluctant to says it's destiny or whatever, because I don't know exactly how I feel about fate. I just think that in some round-about way our paths were meant to cross. He even lives in the same city! I was determined that I wasn't finding the right person because I wasn't looking in the right place... and that maybe perhaps by some shred of hope I was destined to encounter someone on my travels. Maybe he lived in a different country, or maybe in alaska, who knew? Nope, he's right here... he's right in front of me.... we both deserve each other so much... he's been shit on alot, if not more than I have. I'm really afraid to question it because that might get me into trouble... life would really suck if he were taken away from me... and after having THE BEST I would never want anything less than that... it would be really difficult for someone to live up to that. I trust him to be that person who makes me better. I appreciate how great he is... and the fact that he doesn't hold back... he cares with everything he has... and I know i'm getting ahead of myself because it's so soon... but when you know, you know.... you know? haha. I already can't imagine myself with anyone else... I've never met anyone better suited for me. I'm SO HAPPY! I could scream!
»Wiggle your toes«

Fuuuuck work [11 Dec 2007|08:57pm]
I am overwhelmed with everything piling up and being placed on me. I will probably quit when I return from vacation because I just don't get paid enough, I'm not a manager yet they expect me to do all the the manager's work.

I'm so removed from it now, it doesn't make me happy anymore. Time to move on.
»Wiggle your toes«

Epiiiiic [10 Dec 2007|03:39am]
I am eating chips and salsa trying to focus on this paper at 3:40am.
I unfortunatly slept through most of sunday... though i did leave st pete around 2pm after making and eating some amazing pancakes.

Tiberius Sempronius Gracchus was an ass for making the goals of his reforms and overall tribuate so obscure, and therefore enticing a whole fleet of historians to write so many conflicting theories about what little is known about him... which has incidentally led me to write a ridiculous term paper on him. That's all i gotta say about that.

Saturday night ruled... and I am proud to say that I raged pretty hard.

Metal 4 Lyfe.

»Wiggle your toes«

It's very strange. [07 Dec 2007|10:40pm]
Coincidentally I was frustrated with myspace and got the sudden urge to come on here. I'd completely forgotten about the last thing I wrote here.

It's a weird circumstance because I wrote that at the beginning of a relationship and we've been split up for about a month now. I actually just came back from his place, and we're kind of still flirty with each other, but i'm not sure how I feel about it.

Funny thing is, I barely remembered the last entry at all untill I read it all the way, and realized who I was talking about...

I'm so torn and my life is so crazy right now. I find more and more meaning in things, in life, every day. All in all I am happy and even though I don't have as much money saved up as I'd hoped by now, I'm not worried because I just know everything is going to be ok. For once I feel like I'm living the life I want, and that I am completely in control.

Life is crazy.

P.s. can anyone help me change my lay out? I am Livejournal illiterate since I haven't tried to update it in eons.
»Wiggle your toes«

I'm not so sure how I feel about you, Normal... [17 Jul 2007|09:08pm]
Right around the time that I stopped hurting and started feeling satisfied with my day to day life, is when I unexpectedly came across a life altering find.

I'm not sure why I deserve to feel this way, me of all people... the number one complainer... I mean I could practically make a living out of it... but maybe i'm getting a bit ahead of myself here.

I definitly am not talking about love... I mean it is possible but not realistic.

I could sugar coat this and make it out be more than it actually is, but I'm not going to... To be perfectly honest, if he were to stop speaking to me tomorrow, I would not be devastated... I'm pretty sure that after pouring my heart out to a few undeserving boys something inside of my died a little... and i'm not being melodramatic... it almost seems unfair that I cannot fill his cup with that niave jug of love that i used to tote around... of all people he seems to deserve it the most... It's sad to realize that he is the only guy daring enough to show affection to me in a room full of people - this never occured to me until now. He is the only person to really make me feel confident about myself... the only person that i can do absolutely anything with. So far our comfort with one another has seen no limits - i have nothing to be ashamed about and nothing to hide.

I can honestly say that I am disgusted, as I always have been, with my swift judgement of people. I am unhappy with what i see now a days... I hate the girl that has to get with every guy, especially the ones that have girlfriends... and if the little randy bitch knows that girlfriend on a personal level, then the deal is even sweeter. I hate the boy that ecourages this lifestyle... But even more discouraging is that the roles get reversed constantly... the victim becomes the predator and the game gets increasingly more ruthless every day.. to the point where I hardly feel bad for anyone anymore.

The people that I trust start to drop off like flies and everyone is eventually sucked right into the pit... with few exceptions.

He makes me feel that among all of this disease, there is hope. Life is difficult... but somethings are worth living for.

To all of you that I have been harsh to you on this silly livejournal world, I deeply appologize... I guess it was just hard for me to accept that fact that people were going to be reading something that i kept a secret for years. I know it sounds really juvenile... and you are probably thinking "why would she post something online if she didn't want anyone to read it" ... and you are right.

basically I am happy. I am ready to move out of here and experience life. I don't care anymore about saving people or reaching out the way that I used to. I'm not hard and embittered... I am realistic.

All I know is that mornings spent looking into his eyes has been some of the purest, most honest moments of my life... and I am happy.
»Wiggle your toes«

Funny ... [08 Mar 2007|12:02pm]
I'm breaking so many rules by letting this continue. I find you attractive and everything... but couldn't you have stayed mysterious for a little while longer? Things would have worked to your advantage then.

in the mean time though, i'm adoring my forbidden fruit.

In other news - you are not looking too appetizing sir, and i'm sorry that I will not be there for you... but i'm not keen on individuals that seek guilt out of me in order to gain time spent with me. You lost, and I only feel a little bad about that.
(2) feel good> »Wiggle your toes«

I fucking know myself better than this. [23 Feb 2007|07:46pm]
is it really you just not caring?

because i can read you like a book... and no matter how much you try to act like none of this bothers you... and you dont care...

there is still something there... i wish i knew the key to rip it right out of its hiding place.

I wish i knew what words could be spoken, or what steps might be taken.

I wish i could get into that intimate level... i used to be there... and one day it was just gone...

all of the signals tell me there is nothing there... every word you say... every time you look my way... i should know that it's just gone... i should accept things for the way they are. I need to let go and not speak to you... this is what they say... this what they all know...

but how can i deny my heart? Really, what i'm doing... is sentencing it to hard time. No sunshine, no grass, no beauty, no love... just a cold dark room... dripping with filth, and sorrow, and pain....

my heart really hasn't lied to me... i just fucking know... and i know why you are fighting it so hard... i know why you aren't being truthful to me... and i know why you fill your body with chemicals.

what i do not know, is how to get you to stop.

dammit, just let me take care of you... you dense bastard.
(1) feel good> »Wiggle your toes«

fuck. [21 Feb 2007|01:33pm]
It just seems like every thought i have, and every word i speak ends up making someone angry.

All i want is to hang out with people without drama happening...

and i really want for you to stop looking right through me, and look into my eyes...

i'm sure i'd stop being sad if i just got what i wanted.

But you can't always get what you want... no no

soooo i'm still sad.
»Wiggle your toes«

I'm getting a bit ridiculous with these [07 Feb 2007|01:37pm]
On days like today, I'm happy to just be alive. I'm content feeling this enchanting combination of the sun's warm and the cool air. I feel so comforted by the faint breeze lightly moving over my skin... and the clairity of the day. I just got out of an exam, and I'm off of work, but what to do with this perfect day?

[I really need to stop wishing that you were here to spend it with.]
»Wiggle your toes«

Today, tomorrow, but hopefully not forever... you're the one i love. [07 Feb 2007|11:38am]
Well, i really need to stop hanging out with people so much, stop procrastinating, and start focusing more time on school. It's very numbing to work a professional job, and keep your mindset focused for school at the same time without going crazy. I like kicking back way to much, because i am needy, no because i crave attention, but because i love my friends, and i love making Dinner with Jess and Jerilee, and making dinner with them pretty much every night... It's hard to cut back on something that you love so much, especially when you really need that since you'd otherwise be miserable thinking about your broken heart without it. I need to stop dedicating so much of my personal time to thinking of you.

All day i've had this muscle twitch in my left eye ball and for months now i've had seen this tiny spark at the bottom of my vision in my left eye, it happens randomly, but i'm used to it now. I've heard before that a spark might mean the retina detaching, but i don't think that it would have lasted this long if it was that... but it may be a nerve problem. I hope that it does not have anything to do with the surgery i had on my eyes when i was younger... i still have scars on my eyes because of it, that you can actually see when i look to the side.

Well maybe i'm overreacting like i always do... but i'm hoping its nothing serious.
»Wiggle your toes«

drowning. [07 Feb 2007|02:08am]
For yet another consecutive night, you are the last thing i think about before i fall asleep.

Would it kill you to get out of my dreams and not be the first thing i think about when i wake up in the morning? If so, than i'd be very thankful... 1,000,000,000 times over.
»Wiggle your toes«

the knives keep twisting in my heart. [06 Feb 2007|08:54am]
I just don't get it. When you believe in someone, and your only hope is for them to be happy... and you practically ignore everyone of importance in your life just because you want to save this one person... they treat you like a pile of dogshit. Why why why why why why why aren't we friends? I just don't know what i ever did to make you treat me this way....

why can't you tell me goodbye? I asked you to... i said that if you wanted me to leave then tell me to fucking leave and never come back. Why can't you tell me that? Why haven't I heard goodbye? Why did you lie to me when i asked if by "take care of yourself" you meant you were saying goodbye for good... you said no, not for good.

You kill me.

I want my brain to be erased of your memory... maybe then i can function like a normal person. I just don't understand why I'm getting all the bad ends of this, when i still have no clue what happened, or what i did wrong. I just wish I could let go, but there is so much that i cannot let go of. I just want to be your friend and i want you to hug me and tell me you still care... why do you insist that you cannot be my friend when you've never even tried. Why do you ignore me when i'm around.

Why do you refuse to acknowledge me when i say hi? And when we're around each other you make it so awkward, as if i've done something wrong. The other night when i was sitting on the other couch next to you... and i scratched your head, you gave me such a dirty look... it really burned through me... and all i wanted to do was say goodbye... that i was leaving.... but then i felt like shit.... and someone told me it would be a bad idea to drive. So i slept on the empty couch. I just want to be able to say hello and goodbye to you without any anxiety. I want to be able to talk to you about what is going on with my life, and i want to know what is going on with yours. I want to know if you're happy, and i want to know if you're down...

I hate being ignore by someone i care about for no reason. I understand the reasons that we cannot work, and I completely agree with ALL of that, but what i don't understand is why that means that you cannot speak to me, when you claimed to have loved me so much?

This is so hard. I just hate letting people go... and untill you tell me goodbye, i will never fucking leave.
»Wiggle your toes«

For me. [06 Feb 2007|12:21am]
Today she showed a little leg.

Conservatively of course, but liberating none-the-less.
»Wiggle your toes«

the time has finally come. [05 Feb 2007|02:54am]
I'm back to the old journal again... i've been using my myspace as a journal, which really sucks... but whatever... I guess i'm just not into the livejournal drama with people posting anonymously and telling me what i should do with my life.

on to happier things.

Last night was amazing, Jerilee, Jessica and i went to the Orpheum. Upon arriving, Jessica and I realized that we forgot our IDs... Jerilee was Throughly annoyed, as i was annoyed with myself, but my liscense broke into three pieces recently and i havent bothered to carry it with me much. The other Jessica was already there... and i used her ID, and Jess used Becca's ID... so it all worked out just fine. We danced all night... and we took a midnight train going anywhere. Fun times. Enjoyed the chance to speak to some people that i had not seen in a long time. It's so crazy how everyone is intermingled with everyone else, everyone knows everyone in some strange way.

Alex danced, yay... he never dances, but he should because he has a fine booty.

honestly, i'm still getting over chris... i'm not understanding why he stopped speaking to me, and why we can't be friends... i remember a while ago i told him that i was afraid that we would end up hating each other... like a majority of couples do... and he promised that would never happen. But it did. It's all so deteriorating to me... in so many ways.. socially.. personally... I want to let it go so badly... but I guess all i can do is try to forget about all of the amazing things that happened, and all of the wonderfully romantic things he did for me... and the days i would bring him lunch... the nights we'd fall asleep in each others arms... the mornings we'd wake up next to each other... forget about tarpon springs... forget about macaroni and cheese and overcooked shrimp (even though that was the cutest thing anyone has ever done for me)... and so many other things that i just need let go. I need to not fall inlove so quickly... even though i dont think it's possible after him, so i dont really need to worry about that. I cannot find myself attracted to anyone... i need to give it time. He's already moved on. It just sucks that he's the one that changed, for the worst, and stopped speaking to me... and did a complete 180, and became a big meanie... yet he has someone already... and i know that makes it alot easier for him to forget me. I didn't buy it when he told me that he couldn't be in a relationship with anyone... i guess i'm just sick because i really want him to be happy... and i hope she is making him happy so that he doesnt do so many drugs... and I hope that he doesn't get annoyed with her the way that he got annoyed with me... i hope that she gives him something to look forward to and a reason to stop wasting his many many talents. He is so smart, and so amazing, and is so aware of life, and human nature... when wants to be... when he has something to keep him happy... and i'm sorry that that person couldn't be me.

I think there is a reason for all of it... i think that I will find happiness someday, and that it just couldn't be with him... but i needed him to help me go on that path anyway. Someone is waiting for me... and neither of us know it yet... but if not, then i thank everything for my knowledge of happiness within solitude. Being alone sucks, but it has its perks. Being with someone is just more exciting, thats all really.
»Wiggle your toes«

Drunken Lyrics- By harmani and Jenna [15 Mar 2006|05:39pm]
5 in the bucket,
the kids moan "fuck-it"
immatate the soul-sista's
and keep on Truck'n it.

Dear Gal,
I tripped on the garbage pale
Now i'm creeping through the trail,
the monkey's have a spider's tail,
twisting double,
they start popping bubbles,
but have nice time my fair female.

said i'm tryin' for 8,
but the men held me straight,
keep up, i'll sure not be late.
acid's the key,
for pure company,
but it won't set me free.
From the burdens that grate,
into small shreds,
like fibers of beds,
that fly when you hop,
when the passion can't stop,
and disperse through the air,
so quick to compare.

Oh no its kickin' in,
In see a pink elephant,
Rhinocerous with dolphins
Takin' a step back
I realize it ain't right,
So i'll drink my coco cola,
and sleep on it tonight.

God DAMN! Is what i said,
when this shit keeps on runnin',
through my muthafuckin' head.
I see this girl with short shorts,
but no that bitch turned into the tortise.
So i take her by the hair,
I'll slap that shit everywhere.
She scream wit desire,
Light dat bih's hair on fire!!!!
»Wiggle your toes«

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