l_ah_font_a (l_ah_font_a) wrote,

the knives keep twisting in my heart.

I just don't get it. When you believe in someone, and your only hope is for them to be happy... and you practically ignore everyone of importance in your life just because you want to save this one person... they treat you like a pile of dogshit. Why why why why why why why aren't we friends? I just don't know what i ever did to make you treat me this way....

why can't you tell me goodbye? I asked you to... i said that if you wanted me to leave then tell me to fucking leave and never come back. Why can't you tell me that? Why haven't I heard goodbye? Why did you lie to me when i asked if by "take care of yourself" you meant you were saying goodbye for good... you said no, not for good.

You kill me.

I want my brain to be erased of your memory... maybe then i can function like a normal person. I just don't understand why I'm getting all the bad ends of this, when i still have no clue what happened, or what i did wrong. I just wish I could let go, but there is so much that i cannot let go of. I just want to be your friend and i want you to hug me and tell me you still care... why do you insist that you cannot be my friend when you've never even tried. Why do you ignore me when i'm around.

Why do you refuse to acknowledge me when i say hi? And when we're around each other you make it so awkward, as if i've done something wrong. The other night when i was sitting on the other couch next to you... and i scratched your head, you gave me such a dirty look... it really burned through me... and all i wanted to do was say goodbye... that i was leaving.... but then i felt like shit.... and someone told me it would be a bad idea to drive. So i slept on the empty couch. I just want to be able to say hello and goodbye to you without any anxiety. I want to be able to talk to you about what is going on with my life, and i want to know what is going on with yours. I want to know if you're happy, and i want to know if you're down...

I hate being ignore by someone i care about for no reason. I understand the reasons that we cannot work, and I completely agree with ALL of that, but what i don't understand is why that means that you cannot speak to me, when you claimed to have loved me so much?

This is so hard. I just hate letting people go... and untill you tell me goodbye, i will never fucking leave.
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