I'm not sure why I deserve to feel this way, me of all people... the number one complainer... I mean I could practically make a living out of it... but maybe i'm getting a bit ahead of myself here.
I definitly am not talking about love... I mean it is possible but not realistic.
I could sugar coat this and make it out be more than it actually is, but I'm not going to... To be perfectly honest, if he were to stop speaking to me tomorrow, I would not be devastated... I'm pretty sure that after pouring my heart out to a few undeserving boys something inside of my died a little... and i'm not being melodramatic... it almost seems unfair that I cannot fill his cup with that niave jug of love that i used to tote around... of all people he seems to deserve it the most... It's sad to realize that he is the only guy daring enough to show affection to me in a room full of people - this never occured to me until now. He is the only person to really make me feel confident about myself... the only person that i can do absolutely anything with. So far our comfort with one another has seen no limits - i have nothing to be ashamed about and nothing to hide.
I can honestly say that I am disgusted, as I always have been, with my swift judgement of people. I am unhappy with what i see now a days... I hate the girl that has to get with every guy, especially the ones that have girlfriends... and if the little randy bitch knows that girlfriend on a personal level, then the deal is even sweeter. I hate the boy that ecourages this lifestyle... But even more discouraging is that the roles get reversed constantly... the victim becomes the predator and the game gets increasingly more ruthless every day.. to the point where I hardly feel bad for anyone anymore.
The people that I trust start to drop off like flies and everyone is eventually sucked right into the pit... with few exceptions.
He makes me feel that among all of this disease, there is hope. Life is difficult... but somethings are worth living for.
To all of you that I have been harsh to you on this silly livejournal world, I deeply appologize... I guess it was just hard for me to accept that fact that people were going to be reading something that i kept a secret for years. I know it sounds really juvenile... and you are probably thinking "why would she post something online if she didn't want anyone to read it" ... and you are right.
basically I am happy. I am ready to move out of here and experience life. I don't care anymore about saving people or reaching out the way that I used to. I'm not hard and embittered... I am realistic.
All I know is that mornings spent looking into his eyes has been some of the purest, most honest moments of my life... and I am happy.